"It's a man's man's man's world"

“Please note: Colour; Noun is a partnership that believes in equality in all things, so if I have copied in vicky@colournoun.co.uk it is because we are equals. Please ensure that any replies don’t go just to me, but include her as well. Thank you.”

I have that as the signature on my email. I wish I didn’t have it, but it’s become necessary. In fact, emails are the tip of the iceberg.

We’ve all had it… the email that you send where you copy someone else in to keep them in the loop, followed by the reply that goes straight to you, ignoring the person you tried to include. Sometimes it’s an oversight, the consequence of the distance between “reply” and “reply all”. Sometimes it’s intended to keep people’s inboxes from overflowing with clutter. But, unfortunately, I believe, in this case, it’s part of a wider problem, rooted in attitudes and biases that don’t show much sign of going away. Let me tell you how the rest of the iceberg looks. But first of all a bit of background.

Colour; Noun was set up as an equal partnership between me – a man in my fifties - and Vicky Holding – a woman in her twenties. We split everything down the middle, whether it is work, money or responsibility because what we do requires both of us to bring our particular skills and apply them as necessary, when necessary. But…

• When we meet with, and talk with clients, the overriding focus of the conversation is directed at me, because I’m an older man
• When discussing the delivery of the sessions we run, although we work as a pair, the tendency is to refer to how I ran the day or the session, because I’m an older man
• When we network with other men of a similar age to me, Vicky is at best ignored, or at worst patronised, because she’s not an older man
• When we put out anything on social media, the assumption is that I’ve done it, because why wouldn’t such wisdom and insight come from an older man? (Trust me, I may have written this, but it is one element of our partnership that is unequal. Nearly all of our output and posts come from Vicky.)
• When we deliver something, either Vicky gets ignored, or I get credited with a soubriquet like “the main man”. Main older man, obvs.
• On at least one occasion, when someone has come to speak to us about our offer, all conversation is directed at me… including a time when one particularly odious individual actually leaned across Vicky as she sat between us to talk to me, like she wasn’t there. Technically, she wasn’t there, because she’s not an older man.

​So far, so male business world. But it isn’t. Alarmingly we’ve seen women do it too, many, many times. I could take this down a route that could lead to accusations of self-flagellation and a desperate desire to accentuate my feminist credentials, but I won’t. Even as I write this I am aware that it reads like I am attempting to protect her and plead her case. It’s not that at all. She is perfectly capable of holding her own, pushing herself forward and throwing herself wholeheartedly into whatever challenge comes along- and she does so all the time. In fact, I know that however unfair these attitudes are, she recognises them as part of life and has made her peace with that. 

No, this isn’t about protecting Vicky’s feelings. It’s much more self-centred than that.

I get embarrassed. Embarrassed that people think I’m somehow more important, or cleverer, or better than her, when none of those things are true. Embarrassed by having to engineer inclusion into conversations by saying “what do you think Vicky?” or “you know more about this than I do”, when her repeated self-inclusion attempts don't work. Embarrassed that people think I turn up to meetings with a secretary, or a PA, or someone to take my notes and write up my reports. I hate leaving a meeting, or an event, or reading an email that elevates my status at the expense of someone who is most definitely at least half of Colour; Noun, and without whom we would not be what we are. 

I’m not going to even try to change the way the world is through a blog post. I’m just saying it’s there and I hope that this article might make you think twice about the assumptions you make when you deal with people professionally.

And if I can eventually get rid of my email signature, you will make an (older) man very happy.